Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
