it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
