I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
