You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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