I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
