Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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