Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
