I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
