That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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