He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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