I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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