I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
