It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
