we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
