no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
