I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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