roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
