I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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