What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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