im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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