According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
