He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
