quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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