I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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