Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I need to calm my uterus...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
