On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
