bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
