chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
