You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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