so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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