I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
