I am puke
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
