I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
