My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
