You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
