im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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