New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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