Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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