New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
