So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
