Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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