dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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