I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize