I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
