What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
