I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
