Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
