Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
