i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
