what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
