it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
