i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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