from now on my penis is your penis
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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