i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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