you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
