I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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