I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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